


balance is hard when the sands are shifting (how do I hold myself up)

by beepbedeep



Category: The Kane Chronicles - Rick Riordan
Genre: Dorks in Love, F/M, I love the Kanes have I said that, I would MARRY ZIA she's the actual greatest, basically them falling in love, but hard to understand, but sweet! I think I hope!, convoluted this is CONVOLUTED, they? are? so? unappreciated???
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-01
Updated: 2019-09-01
Packaged: 2020-10-09 03:30:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20481728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beepbedeep/pseuds/beepbedeep
Summary: A beginning inside a lot of endings, how to build a world when everything is crumbling, and Carter really just wants to smell Zia's hair. Also teamwork? Super important!





	1. Chapter 1

A museum. An explosion. A haunted, desperate man ripping apart the world as it exists, defying rules set in stone by the House of Life itself, for a chance to save civilization and see his wife. Destruction and broken laws and, for two people (the legendary Kanes, legends declare) any sense of safety or stability, every semblance of their old lives, shattered.   
It feels a lot like an end. Looks like one too, with smoking shards of precious Egyptian relics flung across an exhibit and a roaring god of Chaos gloating as he pulverizes Julius Kane’s hopes for resolution.

Still. Somehow it isn’t. A pair of siblings pick themselves up, dust each other off, and begin on a journey towards being the greatest team of magicians Western civilization has ever known. It is the end of an era, but the start of a new age, an epic, where a brother and sister, strong and impassioned, will raise old gods, cross new bridges, and remake the fabric of the world. The Rosetta Stone combusts, but a stronger family, Carter and Sadie’s quite literally life-saving familial bond is solidified, setting them on a path to save the universe. Together. Together, because that’s the way these things are. No one can single handedly halt interplanetary destruction, but they learn to pull each other up, hand over hand, and something great, storied, a bond that will be passed down from generation to generation, kind and impossibly powerful siblings who keep each other in check, prevent the Apocalypse and inspire an entirely new (or long forgotten) form of magic, is begun. 

But, because the world is messy (or beautiful, one could whisper) something else is begun too. A grieving man frees the gods, an exhibit implodes, a pair of children lose their father, but another pair of powerful magicians (trying in their own way to prevent catastrophe) make their way to the museum. It just so happens, one of them is a girl. The boy lifts his hands away from his head, off his curly brown hair and looks around the demolished room, searching for his father. Instead, his chocolate eyes meet her amber and maybe fate set more than one partnership in motion that night. A force looks down on them and smiles, _ yes, yes those two could definitely be something. _ Five gods are released, fleeing into new hosts, and time begins to move once again. 

Next, a whole mess of things happens. Turns out that a number of new developments have been waiting for this very opportunity, the walls breaking down around the Kane’s relatively well-ordered lives. An uncle appears, carrying with him stories of magical, ancestral powers and new worlds. But Chaos is not done with these new players – they have only just stepped onto the field. The uncle disappears, leaving them with a kindly cat goddess for a “responsible adult chaperone” and little else. Any brief promise of stability is yanked away, all of a sudden, but this time it is less surprising. They are learning, learning to rely on each other while small should-be-safe-things betray them again and again. 

She never promises to be safe. She never shows them anything other than blunt honesty and painful truths and later Carter will read a message into it (run, run away. everything will get worse before it gets better. save yourself) but in a constantly shifting, newly dangerous world, he is drawn in by her sincerity, even if she won’t say what he wants to hear. The honesty is attractive, _ everything about her is attractive. _ Sadie disagrees, _ the girl isn’t on their side! She’s snobby and cruel! _ Carter is learning to trust Sadie, trust her more than he can trust himself, but he doesn’t know how to tell her this. He doesn’t know how to describe this mysterious girl’s pull, something about honesty and no-holds-barred, the way she wields her power and the night he saw through her invisibility spell, her eyes glowing as she revealed small, sacred pieces of herself. She’s scared, he thinks, scared and brave and tired of hiding both those things from everyone all the time. So, when Sadie complains about her, he doesn’t say anything much back, because this girl touches a part of him that he can’t put into words. The act of magic is to describe, to command, to put letters together and create order, but Carter isn’t very good at Divine Words yet. 

Zia. Carter rolls his name across his tongue at night, an incantation, a prayer for safety, when his problems come to life and roar so loudly that he can’t sleep. Her name is the softest spell he’ll ever hear. 

They flee the First Nome, heading across deserts and new lands, trying to rescue their dad, uncle, cat goddess, the world. The things they have to lose keep multiplying, the stakes get higher, the enemies more dangerous. Carter is growing more attuned to Sadie’s constantly shifting moods, he can sense her frustration like needles on his skin and after Thoth tricks them into destroying Graceland, Sadie pauses for a moment and screams at the sky, Carter joins her, they need to present a united front. When both their throats are raw and they need to pull themselves up for the rest of the journey, she smiles gratefully at him, because they are the _Kanes_, plural, neither is alone. For a kid with two potentially dead parents and no idea where he’ll sleep tonight, Carter feels surprisingly at home, venturing towards potential destruction with his annoying (brave) little sister at his side. 

He sleeps and dreams of Horus. This whole brain-hitchhiker thing is weird and new, but not entirely unpleasant. It’s not a permanent solution, Carter and Sadie both know they can’t stay like this forever, but the backup is nice, _someone_ needs to know what’s going on, and they are teetering on the precipice of understanding something new, and ancient. The Path of the Gods could heal ancestral wounds for magicians, Carter is slowly understanding this, and so he decides that surviving the next few days would be nice. He wants to give Sadie her Christmas present, buy Bast some Friskies, and talk to Zia for like, seven hours straight, telling her everything he’s learned and maybe by hour five she’ll smile at him. 

Sadie has trust issues. She doesn’t talk about them much, but Carter’s learning how much their dad being kept away has hurt her. They’re going to talk more, he decides. Later, when the world isn’t ending they’ll help each other learn how to be a real family and they can patiently unfurl her, their trauma, but for now he NEEDS her to give Zia a chance. Sadie doesn’t do too well with authority either, so Iskandar saying Zia must be relied upon, that she’s could be the key to future success is NOT a good idea. But here they are, in New Mexico because he saw Zia in a dream and Amos is acting so weird, Sadie finally relents, trusting her as a lesser evil. Maybe that counts as progress, in this new reality they’re piecing together. 

Speaking of trust, there is none between Zia and Amos. Someone is wrong here, but Carter and Sadie can’t tell who they should leave behind. (that’s probably for the best, even if they knew they were about to be betrayed, Kanes are not the kind of people who abandon those they care about – especially in dire circumstances). Today though, Zia brings opposing magicians with her and they are all forced to flee, with a bloodthirsty lioness on their tail. That victory is special, the first time they manage to work together, all three, to defeat a truly monstrous enemy. They are equals, for real, and teamwork is clearly the only way forward. 

Afterwards, they summon a boat, trying to get back to Amos and their dad. Sadie, being a good sister in her very specific way, leaves Carter and Zia alone. She tells him about the House of Life, what she’s risking, what they’re all risking, and he breathes in the spicy scent of chili pepper still in her hair. When her story stutters, when the narrative confuses her for reasons neither understand, he smiles at her, trying to be a source of calm. She is a mystery, not just to him, and being unknown to yourself is terrifying. They try to understand what’s happening – between them, around the world, how she knows Set’s secret name, but they are both so tired and she leans her head on his shoulder. He takes her hand and they sit silently for a moment, sharing comfort and trying to believe that everything is going to be ok. They could lean in (metaphorically), but everything is too big and scary and Carter has to believe that they’ll have more time, later, to explore every exquisite detail of this thing between them. On the most simplistic level, he’s glad she’s here. (She’s glad too. There’s something wrong with her, something missing, something that can’t be ignored anymore, but she carefully stores away her memories of this strangely beautiful boy, saving them for someone, she’s not sure who.) 

They begin to hear the first whispers of “pharaoh” referring to Carter, and Sadie is growing in power every day. They stand on the edge of something huge, but the path ahead is murky. All they can do is cling to each other and take one step forward at a time. 

They win, in the end. Or . . . they don’t die, the world doesn’t end, and by now they know that’s the best thing to hope for. And Zia saves them. Or Sadie saves them. Or Carter saves them. Their success wouldn’t have been possible without every component and being the Eye of a god is exhilarating and fighting feels natural like, _yes, saving civilization is what they’re meant to do._ With divine help they make a deal with Set, prolonging Doomsday for a little longer and for a moment Carter feels limitless. But his dad is _gone_ maybe _forever_ and oh gods, _Zia_. She dies, and his heart stops. Too many emotions to count wash through him: anger, grief, rage, and impossible sadness. He understands why Horus urged him to be wary, because this hurts _so much_ and he doesn’t know how to recover. Sadie’s head is bowed next to him, equally stunned, when suddenly Zia CRACKS. Her skin turns to clay, and shatters. Sadie barely manages to sputter out an explanation and Carter is shocked, because everything has been somewhat of a clusterfuck recently, but this is REALLY crossing a line, and then it hits him that Zia isn’t dead. Yeah, she’s been a clay sculpture this whole time and he doesn’t know where the real girl is, but she’s _safe_ and right now he couldn’t ask for anything else. He places his forehead on the statue’s and whispers, “I’m coming. Promise.” The last glowing blue orb, it _must_ be some form of communication, flies out of her mouth, and the clay turns to dust. That’s probably a good thing, Sadie doesn’t think Carter would be able to leave her behind any other way. 

They collect Amos, clean up as best they can, and go home. Their dad visits, tells them not to worry, to embrace this new life, and they do.


	2. Chapter 2

Carter can’t forget his promise. It swirls around in his head, keeping time with his heartbeat. _I’m coming, I’m coming, I’m coming._ It keeps him going as they rebuild their Nome, inviting new people, learning more and more about what they’re all capable of. He and Sadie are a real team now, but still siblings, and Bast has learned when she needs to step in and arbitrate fights. (her solutions always involve a nap for both parties.) They meet new team members, Jaz, Cleo, Walt, Julian, people who trust them and believe they’ll do the right thing.

Sometimes a vision of Zia, moments they shared, flashes through his skull. He pours over the moments they shared, trying to figure out if they were real or not. He has a lot of Big Bad World Ending Concerns to grapple with right now, mainly stopping the Apocalypse (again!) and bringing Ra back, but in his more selfish moments all he can do is hope that she’ll remember him, that what they shared was real, that he made an _impression_. 

Carter has spent most of his life feeling like a miniature version of his dad – an afterthought, a pale and disappointing imitation – or more recently, being lied to – things he always assumed were safe suddenly becoming exactly the opposite. Zia never did either of those things. She saw him, only him, in her eyes he felt real, solid, and she never lied to him. She wasn’t his friend, in the beginning, but she never pretended to be. He remembers how she softened, stopped guarding herself constantly, and wonders if the real Zia would behave the same way. At the end of the day, he would just really like to meet her – the real, living human. Maybe she’ll hate him, but anyone who was so magnetic as a shabti must be absolutely astonishing in the flesh. He doesn’t expect anything from her, not really. Sure, he has fantasies about rescuing her, fantasies that involve the phrase “happily ever after” but he knows they aren’t real. He’s not a monster, he doesn’t want to rescue her because he expects something, but because as the months pass he’s developed a sneaking suspicion that he really might be _the only person left who cares about her._ So, no. he can’t just forget about rescuing her. he can’t abandon anyone, much less a lonely girl trapped somewhere so far away that no one notices her absence. (he knows she’s lonely, loss constantly emanated from her shabti. Carter understands loneliness. He’d like to offer himself as a friend.) 

Besides, if there really is a key to saving the world, he won’t be surprised if it’s her. He can’t shake the feeling that yeah, the world needs saving, and she might be the one to do it. (Sadie will laugh at him later, _Horus isn’t psychic!_ she’ll say. But Carter hears _her_ voice at night, not his, and it’s not the gods urging him onwards, but something else. Something even harder to comprehend.) 

He leaves Sadie. He feels SO BAD about leaving Sadie, but he can’t give up on Zia. She matters, to the world, to him, and if they only have 24 hours left on the planet anyway he wants this to be his last act. Besides, if they all die he doesn’t want to spend eternity feeling guilty. _I’mcomingI’mcomingI’mcoming._ He and Bes get closer and Carter feels like he might combust, _this close_ to fulfilling his promise. They fight water demons, almost can’t figure out how to free her, but they do. Later, Sadie will use the Divine Word _Ma’at_ in a battle to the death and her restoring order will feel exactly like Carter feels now as he watches the water rush away from Zia’s sleeping (real) face. 

It goes sideways. Of course it does. First, Zia almost dies because a water goddess really can’t settle down in a fire elementalist for too long. Then she fully regains consciousness and freaks out. Finally, as icing on the cake (happy birthday, Sadie) their favorite evil magicians show up because _of course this this a trap, everything is._ Still, a tiny spark does a fantastic happy dance in Carter’s chest because Zia is _alive and here and so tremendously vibrant_ that he thinks, _if this is the last thing I do, it’s a good one._ She needs to be free. His heart is a little broken, because his worst fears came true, she doesn’t know him – except _no._ His worst fears were that she would be beyond help, that she would be dead, that her mind would be destroyed. She is here and whole and yeah, she doesn’t fall into his arms swooning, but he’s pretty sure she wouldn’t do that anyway. 

(Carter will never trap her, he whispers that against her skin for years after, when the nightmares return. She works through the trauma and her mind calms and he strokes long smooth lines up and down her back, a reminder that there is no glowing water encasing her body. She still smells like the spices from the First Nome and he’s still ticklish behind his left ear and together they really are ok.) 

Sadie and Walt save the day, of course, and Bes is their own personal avenging angel as the young magicians flee Chaos. 

When Carter wakes up in the hotel everything seems fine for a moment. All his limbs are still attached, and he can hear the people he cares for most laughing on the other side of the room. Zia details the fight she put up and he sees the panic thinly concealed, swimming just under her skin, but she doesn’t want to talk about it so he doesn’t push. Instead he watches, fascinated, because she’s here and real and _funny_, funny in a way the shabti hadn’t been and yeah, he’s still gonna try to save the world, but if he had to die right now he thinks he’d still be happy. 

Zia and Sadie are _getting along_ and somehow that’s the scariest recent development in his life. It actually makes sense, he always thought they’d like each other if either of them actually gave it a chance, but it’s so different he has to do a double take. This person right before him? She’s different. she’s new. 

That night, before she heads to defend Brooklyn and he and Sadie sail away to find Ra, he asks if they can talk. She nods and he opens with an apology. _I’m sorry_, he says, _you’re a new person. You’re different. I didn’t want you to feel like you own me anything._ She relaxes, some of the tension melting out of her shoulders. _I’m sorry too, I’m not her. I know you liked her. Her memories keep surfacing, I can’t tell what’s me and what’s . . . not. Let me be someone surprising?_ She’s terrified, he sees that. he doesn’t push and she notices, smiles. he grins and confirms, _you’re completely unpredictable. Not her. I don’t know you, but I’m looking forwards to getting that chance?_ She laughs, her laugh is different than the shabti too, warmer and kinder, _yes I think we can manage that._

It doesn’t get easier, not right away, but he soaks up every new thing he can learn about her and she consumes him just as eagerly, if from a little farther away. Her world is crumbling, but she decides that Carter Kane, with his gentle smile and brave magic and adorably awkward way of mincing his words when he doesn’t want to mess anything up, should be a part of whatever new normal she crafts. 

She will learn, again and again, that most of all he is patient, he listens to her without judgment or expectation, and in turn she doesn’t hide from him. He will help her heal, even when he doesn’t stand to benefit and she touches his arm as he leaves to find the sun god. She expects to be scared, assumes that touch will be too much, but he doesn’t push for more at all, doesn’t touch her, just lets her fingers rest on his arm and beams, so big that she could feel warm in Antarctica with the power of his smile. As they go their separate ways she decides that everything might be different, and scary, but she’s not alone. Someone cares about her and doesn’t expect anything in return. She hasn’t had anyone like that in a long time. 

(Eventually, she amasses a whole community of people – loving and kind and magical in every sense of the world. They all love her like this, selflessly, Sadie’s gentle pokes when she’s zoning out, Amos’s fatherly affection, Jaz’s cheerful faith, but Carter will always be her favorite.) 

Still, she can’t stay. Sadie and Carter come back, returning from the Duat with their impossible mission completed and new energy for everyone. She wants to sob, wants to dissolve with joy or anger, because against her better judgement she was so _worried_ about those two. She’s always liked combat, using magic in a clean, useful way. The clarity she felt during battle vanishes when Carter steps on the same ground as her. His expectations aren’t as painfully obvious, but he still doesn’t know her. She can’t stay, she likes the little she knows about him too much to ruin it so soon by being around all the time, by trying to know him before she figures out who she is now. She’s never been good with fragile things, but for him, she’s willing to try. She asks Amos if she can go with him and he smiles at her, asking for permission and then wrapping her in a warm, comforting hug, _of course,_ he says, _I need all the help I can get._ Even right now, confused and lost, Zia is helpful, a force to be reckoned with, she knows this. She’s a strong magician, she understands everything about the House of Life, and Amos exudes safety, so this just might work. 

She winks at Sadie as she leaves, planning a mature, restrained goodbye, but Sadie is neither of those things. (Zia isn’t either, not really, and Sadie helps her rediscover silly fun) but the younger girl runs up and smothers her in a hug. She whispers into Zia’s hair, _I’m glad you’re here. I like you a lot more than I thought I would._ Zia smothers a laugh and melts a little, knowing this is high praise from a girl she is quickly learning to love. Carter stands farther away, looking at the pair wistfully. He understands. She wouldn’t be comfortable with the same expression of affection from him – not when everything between them is still so loaded and sets her off kilter. She smiles inwardly and likes him a more for that. She smiles at him, waves, and follows his uncle into the portal. It’s the right decision, she’s sure, but in the same thought she begins forming a plan to get Carter a scrying bowl like hers. They deserve to get to know each other. 

Carter doesn’t know how to feel. He and Sadie have been through literal Egyptian hell, completed an impossible mission, but didn’t end up with the outcome they’d hoped for. His initiates are strong and awesome and he’s so proud. Zia is leaving. Zia, who Ra is strangely obsessed with. She goes and he understands. It’s not a rebuttal, but she needs space. He does too, if he’s being completely honest. They both need to rebuild, save the world for real, and then figure out what’s going on here – if the slender thread flickering between them is tangible. If he’s done one really, truly good thing, something that won’t potentially send the world into more Chaos, recently, it’s rescuing Zia. He doesn’t dare to imagine what would happen if her mind had been destroyed, if they all hadn’t been so lucky, because she is _brilliant._ More brilliant than he could’ve imagined and yes, her shabti was the first girl he’d ever loved, but the real girl is _so much more_ and even of he never glimpses her again, the past twenty-four hours, seeing her and Sadie gleefully winning a board game, even the way she’d fought, so completely committed against him, she’s amazing. Whatever their relationship will be, it’s different than what he had with the shabti. That doesn’t scare him anymore. His apprehension has turned into something else, a newer, sweeter kind of promise. He watches Sadie hug her, stays back because he doesn’t need to say anything for Zia to know he cares, and she catches his eye. She smiles and it’s fuller, more generous than the shabti’s had been. She steps into the portal, disappears, and he turns to his compatriots, leading them as they begin to clean up their home. (another chance at stability, momentarily evaporated) 

(Years later he’ll wake with a start, in the middle of the night, the sounds of splitting and crashing all around him, the shattered Rosetta Stone dancing behind his eyelids. Zia, still half-asleep, will reach out and run her hands through his curls, murmuring something soft and gentle until his breathing evens out again. _Everything’s ok. You’re safe. Your dad loves you. So do I_.) 

That night, as he falls asleep, worrying about a million and two things, he thinks one last time of the shabti. She’d been different, a wholly distinct person, one he can’t ever get back. He cries, the way anyone would when mourning their first love, but after the past two days he can’t imagine yearning for an illustration when the girl he could love is 3D, real and alive, snarkier and sweeter and more powerful than he could’ve guessed. The next morning Walt brings him a scrying bowl, and they work together to enchant it. When Zia answers on her end he tells her some brief funny anecdote about training, involving an exploding water bottle and Zia throws her head back, laughing. They don’t talk for long, he has to feed Freak and she has to help Amos gather all of Desjardin’s things, but he floats around (mostly metaphorically, although once his toes manage to leave the ground) for the rest of the day. Yes, he could get used to this. 

Sadie giggles, Carter’s love life is endlessly entertaining, he’s HOPELESS, but she can’t help being happy for them. She knows how worried he’s been, because she was too, and he really is a good guy. Plus, she really likes real Zia. She’s smart and kind and treats Sadie like an equal. Between all of them, her hopelessly brave brother, Walt, Zia, and all their truly amazing initiates, everything just might turn out ok


	3. Chapter 3

The world is ending, _that’s_ getting clearer every day, with every attack. Sadie makes battle plans, does her homework, and tries to figure out how she feels about Walt. Everything seems scary and insurmountable. She’s been listening to a lot of Adele. Basically, she doesn’t begrudge Carter his time with Zia. He talks to her almost daily, sometimes for five minutes, sometimes for five hours and they should really just GET CELL PHONES like normal people, but none of them are normal.

She wondered, in the beginning, if the distance and whole “I fell in love with someone who was kind of you but also not and everything’s a mess right now” thing might make their feelings fizzle after a few weeks, but about once every three years or so Carter is capable of proving her wrong. This is one of those times. Zia makes him happy, when he and Sadie are having a problem, with training a new initiate or running the Nome or just something they don’t actually have the magical knowledge to deal with, he _always_ asks her. Sometimes Sadie joins them for those calls, as the information effects her too, but there’s enough not-so-subtle-flirting, longing glances and awkward wait-did-I-overstep-something moments for her to get as close to wildly uncomfortable as she ever does after a few minutes. The sweet, silly, bumbling mess other people call Carter and Zia are VERY worried about clear communication and not rushing anything. Sadie sort of admires that, it’s working for them, at any rate. The initial is-that-something-you-actually-do-or-did-your-clay-facsimile-make-it-up and were-you-actually-around-when-that-thing-happened confusion faded pretty quickly and even though they’re both kinda messed up and gun shy and generally scared of caring about people, Sadie’s sure this thing between them is something like love. 

A) she’s a fount of wisdom at all times, and B) it’s like the most obvious thing. Carter stares at Zia, _this Zia,_ with rapture, like he’s memorizing the way her nose wrinkles when she laughs (Sadie knows this because Carter has told her in GREAT DETAIL) and Zia sometimes trails off in the middle of her sentences because Carter is doing something weird (enduring! Zia insists) or sometimes because he already understands what she’s trying to say. And they treat each other like people now, Carter doesn’t act like Zia’s some paper-thin Christmas ornament from someone’s great-great-great-grandfather and Zia doesn’t hide herself anymore – like she’s afraid he’ll run away if she reveals too much. Plus, whenever they’re done talking, Carter gets this ridiculous, goofy grin and stays in an unreasonably good mood for at LEAST 30 minutes. All in all, Sadie thinks that amounts to something like love. Their lives may be a whirling tornado of Chaos and terror, but Carter and Zia (Cria? Zarter? Those both sound bad) have managed to carve out a tiny crevice of safety and Sadie’s the last person to begrudge them that. 

Caring about things is very, very good, Carter thinks. No one can defy the Apocalypse alone, but with Sadie by his side, Walt’s charms, Amos’s quiet support and Zia’s gentle advice/teasing/generally making everything better, he thinks something great might be possible. Everything is surprisingly GOOD, in a way it probably shouldn’t be with Doomsday getting closer every minute, but he can’t help thinking about his life last year. _Everything_ is different now, and, he ventures that it’s better. Yes, he misses his dad like crazy, but he feels real in a way he didn’t before, and his once lonely existence is full of better people than he could’ve ever asked for. Teaching other young magicians about the Path of the Gods is strangely rewarding, he likes having a sister, for real, he likes the family they’ve all managed to build. 

And of course, he _likes_ Zia. (likes her a lot, there’s no other word he can put to it right now.) He wants to tell her about Plan B, wants to spill all his secrets to her, but he can’t to put any weight on this thing they’re building. It’s impossibly nice and he’ll do anything to not mess it up. He pushes the guilt away by getting lost in her luminous eyes (he dreams about them, they way they sparkle or sober, how they reflect every single thing she thinks, even when the rest of her poker face is well practiced) and warm brown skin, the shimmer of her hair, and her lips, the way they twist when she’s teasing him, flatten out as she thinks about the future, or curve in one of her glorious smiles. (he dreams about them too.) Glorious, that’s the best word he can think of to describe her, and even that falls short. Glorious. He likes his life right now, surprisingly, likes watching random movies and arguing with Sadie, likes uncovering more about magic with Cleo or cooking weird things with Jaz. He likes living in the Nome, taking care of people, talking to Horus when they get a chance, watching how peaceful Basts’s face can get when she’s actually asleep. But Zia is, hands down, the best part of his day. Always. He can’t stay away from the scrying bowl, imagines her face in the rippling oil when it’s not there. He’ll take the energy, put it into new battle plans or teaching Shelby how to draw a new animal, but he can’t deny the burst of joy that shoots through him the second they connect. He likes her voice, they way she tells stories and how her forehead wrinkles when she thinks. _He likes her_. 

Zia is freaking out. Just a little so _it’s fine_, but the freakout is always there, quietly bubbling. It’s not panic anymore, not like her first day with the Kanes and Bes, when Apophis’s voice was still winding its way through her skull and everything seemed like the wrong color. No, this is more relaxed, more stable, a small internal storm of a million questions. She’s actually doing ok, all things considered. Iskandar’s absence still hurts so much that sometimes _she can’t breathe,_ but Amos Kane is much kinder than she could’ve imagined. They’re both getting resettled, she in her old room, walking the halls of the First Nome with feet that feel new, and him, as the most powerful magician alive. He makes a point, every day, to check in with her, to see how she’s doing and Zia is done hiding so she tells him, honestly. He’s a good listener and then she’ll ask him the same question, trading fears and small triumphs. 

They form a kind of team this way, a smaller subset of a family that exists across the world – all the way in Brooklyn. He’s trustworthy, she decides, and offers him all the help she can give. He’s the closest thing she’s had to a father in a long time, and bring cared for by a loving adult is something she has missed desperately. The world is confusing, but neither of them are alone. The freaking out is kind of communal, actually. She’s going crazy from being around Ra and everyone already thinks he’s a little crazy for being connected with Set. They listen to each other, offer the support they can, and try to save the world in their own ways. She guards Ra from the other gods, even though her mind is feeling less and less like _hers_ and Amos tries to befriend an insanely powerful god. (she can’t judge, she’s doing the same thing after all.) She’s always been highly involved in the workings of the First Nome and leading with Amos instead of Iskandar hurts, but they both know what to do. 

The little girl from a lost village on the Nile has become something akin to a magician general and she thinks that her parents would be proud. She and Amos trade off coming up with dinner and they eat together, otherwise she thinks he would forget for weeks. Days with an unstable, senile, potentially-possessing-her-god, nights strategizing with Amos, and Carter everywhere else. Gods, Carter. It’s good. _Really good._ He knows her now, _real her_, and she knows him for the first time. He feels safe, safe in a way that no one’s ever really felt safe before. She likes talking to him, she trusts him, she doesn’t want to hide any of herself away. He’s beautiful, she thinks. The planes of his face soften when he’s listening, his attention so sharp and clear that she has to remind herself they aren’t the only two people on the planet, and his whole being lights up when he’s recounting something particularly exciting that happened – he saves his best stories for her. He shares himself indiscriminately, but he’s so careful to not overwhelm her and whenever she notices him pulling back something in her chest tugs, and then she’ll urge him forwards, because there isn’t anything he’ll tell her that she can’t handle. Her feet are firmly on the earth now, Zia knows who she is, and she wants to absorb as much of this extraordinary boy as possible. He keeps her grounded and sweeps her away in the same moment. 

She knows he looks forwards to their conversations, know because Sadie tells her constantly, but Zia, even in her most emotional-denial filled moments, (which are abundant, she is the queen of poor emotional processing) has to admit that he’s the best part of her day too. She likes making him laugh, trying to shock him, not worrying about every single thing she says, just relaxing. Zia’s never been able to _relax_ like this before. Even with the emotional land mines they’ve learned to toe around, even with the risk that someone will do something awkward or she’ll run out of things to say or accidently let the whole oh-I-think-Ra-needs-me-to-do-something-big-or-the-world-will-end-deal slip, he’s still the best part of her day. She’s not good at being vulnerable, it’s much easier to be tough and sarcastic (this, she guesses, might be why she and Sadie get along) but Carter broadcasts such visceral GOOD, he radiates forgiveness and everything he does is genuine. He knows she’s not great at that, knows she has scars and still hurts and isn’t great at dealing with them, but he makes her want to try. For the first time, she sees an upside to vulnerability, if it means getting closer to him. So, yeah. Hopefully the world won’t end. She’d like to try this whole love thing. 

She’s close, she’s with Sadie and he’s going to _see her_. it’s a terrifying prospect, a cliff’s edge that a flowerpot-shabti with his sister’s voice has him teetering on. Everything’s been good between them, really, but the distance is safe, protects him from all the kinds of awkward one can be in person. Still, he _wants_ to see her, so badly, and if his molecules dissolve upon contact, that’s a price he’s happy to pay. (He doesn’t think that could happen, she only makes him feel more real.) He and Walt summon the Egyptian Queen and take off for what is quite possibly their last journey together. The world might end tomorrow, for real this time, but Carter is inexplicably light, because _he gets to see Zia._ (also worried about his breath) 

In the brief moment where her gaze isn’t firmly locked on Walt, Sadie smirks. Carter is standing, grinning like the dork he is, at Zia, unable to take his eyes off her, while also trying to look like a powerful, trustworthy general. It works though, Zia’s smiling back with equal dorkiness and it occurs to Sadie that this might be what a great love story is – not caring how silly you seem. 

It’s better than he expected, _so much better._ Zia is here and real, no oil whirling across her face and she smells so distinctly _Zia_. She’s got a smudge across her nose, ashes in her hair and he wants to curl his hands through it, get as close to her as possible. Everything is better in person, her breathing is soft and she’s smiling at him, gods _she’s smiling at him._ She’s fiery and powerful, prepared for battle, he delights in knowing her well enough to see that. He wants to step nearer, the way she tilts her head is an invitation, but now isn’t the place. Doomsday isn’t the time, he’s pretty sure. He can see something hiding behind her eyes, but he won’t ever force her, so instead he volunteers his own big secret, her walls will come down when she’s ready. 

It’s an insane plan. Zia is rather a master of insane plans, and she’s spent enough time around the Kanes to be relatively comfortable with their particular brand of insanity, but this is a new level. He shares the plan with her and she can hear the confidence he’s trying to inundate his words with. He’s terrified, he knows it’s nearly impossible, but Zia familiar with terror, it’s one of her oldest friends so she just puts her hand gently on his arm. Not too much contact, because if she goes too far she might not be able to stop touching. She didn’t think she’d feel the pull this much, but there’s a brave, beautiful, foolish boy in front of her, one that she’s been falling in love with for half a year and she can’t trust the intensity of these feelings yet, so she settles for just the arm. A touch that says, _I’m here_, because that’s all she can do, because she has her own plan and it makes a madcap dash with the most evil magician of all time look like a cakewalk. If they’re going to die in less than a day anyway she’s glad it’ll be spent like this, trekking across the earth with Carter, because she’s pretty sure that they’re supposed to have the grandest of adventures together. 

They get a day together. Sure, they’re stuck with an unbelievably evil ghost, the world might end, and Sadie’s off to save Bes’s soul but Carter can’t bring himself to be upset. Zia is next to him, sailing down the Nile and can he feel the electricity jumping off her skin. Carter could stay like this forever, listening to the soft puff of her breath, waiting to be delighted by whatever she does next. He keeps thinking about when she taught him to control the Ribbons of Hathor, because the thing is, Zia’s a _great_ teacher. She’s surprisingly patient and completely committed and when _her_ lips form the word “tas” for the first time, he knows he won’t ever be able to forget it. 

Setne’s officially the WORST, he’s conniving and evil, asking a million unhelpful questions and Carter feels like he’s missing something. Setne’s manipulating them both in too many ways to keep track of, but when he brings up “what Zia’s thinking” Carter can’t stop his throat from closing up. He’d never do that, to her or anyone, because nonconsensual mind-reading is a gross thing to do, but Setne knows it’ll get a reaction because knowing what’s going on in her head, actually knowing, would make this little dance they’re doing so much easier. Then Zia, of course because _it’s what she does_, takes control of the situation, grabbing Setne and pulling him away. It shouldn’t be as attractive as it is, Carter thinks, but this is _Zia_, taking ownership of the situation, saving them both, and someone looking unreasonably hot in the same moment. (or, it’s not that much of a surprise, she’s always unreasonably hot, but that’s different) As she drags the ribbon wrapped ghost to find BB, she turns for the briefest moment and winks at him. As the god of Chaos appears in her place, Carter can’t help but feel chilled, like something’s missing without her unreasonably warm presence at his side. 

Zia can’t believe she just did that, physically pick up Setne and DRAG HIM AWAY because he threatened to tell Carter what she’s thinking? Still. Zia’s a problem solver to her core and _she_ really wants to be the one who whispers to Carter, _hey I like you_, and gets to watch his face light up, not an evil ghost. Hopefully they’ll have time for confessions like that once Doomsday’s over. Carter in battle is a surprisingly beautiful thing, Zia thinks. He probably likes it for the same reasons she does – a clear objective and only so many ways of achieving it – but he’s unreasonably impressive while fighting. His combat avatar always takes away her breath, but it’s his face too, the authority with which he pulls his sword from the Duat. Of course, she doesn’t like worrying about his safety, but as she tries to summon fire in the middle of a river, fire to distract a giant hippo and save a boy she cares (so much) about, she keep away a smile. Yes, this feels good. It feels natural, they are supposed to protect one another. 

Their journey continues, and _Zia’s still there._ That’s the part Carter can’t get over, they’ve done wild, crazy things before, but he’s never been so constantly at Zia’s side and every little thing she does, the way her wrist flicks when she ignites her staff, how she takes control of a situation, the cliffs she’s willing to jump off if he tells her there’s land on the other side, how she won’t let Setne get a word in edgewise and loudly complains about the Hapi Pills, and most recently how she takes his hand when they’re walking into the temple where the Book of Thoth is hidden, how she knows he hates being underground, hates the trap they’re being led into, and silently takes his hand because that’s all she can do. (It’s enough, holding her hand would probably be enough to get him through just about anything, he thinks.) He falls in love (love, because there’s no other word for what he’s feeling) a little more with every step, every time she reveals something new. He never thought it was possible to be so in love with just, the way someone moves through the world, but he is. 

Zia’s there until she’s _not_. Yeah, Carter was expecting to be betrayed, expecting some evil surprise, but he didn’t think anything would happen to _Zia_. (_Zebra_, Ra calls her) She is glowing and it’s beautiful but it’s not _her_, this is something else, some primal force (the sun god, he thinks) and suddenly all the times she’s frozen up, pulled away, the question that sits behind her eyes, it all makes sense. His heart breaks for her, for feeling like she needed to hide this fear and he wants to embrace her, to say that she can collapse, she doesn’t have to endure, that he _will_ be there to catch her. But he can’t, because she is wreathed in the sun god’s power and yes, they’re fighting for their lives against yet another evil statue, but all he wants to do is get lost in the power emanating from her, watch the suns flicker in her eyes. Zia’s gorgeous when she’s fighting for her life. 

She saves him, she always saves him, and for good measure he saves her when she collapses. Later, she will apologize over and over, for the fireball she summons, aims in his direction. He doesn’t know exactly how to say that he was _never scared_, because somewhere, instinctively, he knows that she would never hurt him. (she likes a battle, likes a fight, but has never enjoyed causing actual harm.) They flee the temple and all he can think about is getting her to safety, rescuing the most dazzling human he’s ever met, because she can’t die like this, she can’t die from overheating in a crypt full of dead cows, because she is _so strong_ and right now he just really needs to get this fever down. He almost dies because of this, because he doesn’t think to keep Setne in check or give BB clear orders, because all he can think about is making sure Zia survives. 

He uses every healing trick – magical or otherwise – that he knows and then sits next to her, holding her hand and watching every breath. He leans down, not even knowing what he’s doing, just in an effort to be as close to her as possible, to share his life force with the brave girl on the bed. His face ends up buried in her hair, he breathes in the smell of her perfume and the smoky tang of godly magic and something else distinctly Zia. Everything is crumbling but he rejoices, clings to the fact that last year he didn’t know that smell and now he could identify it from miles away. 

A jolt goes through Zia’s body, like someone jumpstarted her heart. Everything hurts, hosting a god is exhausting and she’s not sure why that doesn’t go on the warning label. She’s trapped in blue light and for a second everything freezes, because _what if this was all a dream_, what if she’s _still trapped_ in the underwater tomb _what if nothing’s real or she was actually driven insane_. Wrongness pounds through her chest and she realizes, finally, that Carter’s not with her. the room is demolished and what surrounds her isn’t water, but magic, and protective spell from a boy who doesn’t have the magical reserves to spare energy on her, a boy who she can hear fighting with something very loud out on the deck. She decides then, _screw_ propriety and taking things slow and being scared, she would very much like to kiss him before the world ends. 

He’s about to die, for real this time, before he and Sadie get to even attempt their spell against Apophis, because a giant axe-headed demon is going to slice him in two, and no one could survive this, he’s out of miracles. But he’s not, because Zia is a source of endless wonder and she melts the demon with a spear of flame from her staff. (see, hot.) she is beautiful in life-or-death situations and after she mumbles soothing about being done, parroting the demons words back, time stops for a moment and Carter tries to memorize her face. (he’s yet to succeed, there’s always a new detail to get lost in) If this were a romcom, if they were different people, if he were as brave as Sadie or she was less broken, if they weren’t sailing to their deaths or she hadn’t just almost burned up, he would kiss her. He doesn’t, that’s a line she needs to cross first, he won’t push her, so instead he memorizes the moment, both breathing heavy because he likes to be saved by her. He learns that again, a minute later, when her vulture amulet saves them both from being dashed against the rocks. When they land, tumbling against each other, he can’t stop grinning, even though everything hurts, because she’s really just the coolest person ever and he’s so, so unbelievably lucky. 

They have a picnic, she’s proud of herself for suggesting it, because right now they need five minutes to rest, because he needs medial attention and she needs a hug. They talk a little, it’s fairly inconsequential in the whole scheme of things, but she’s realizing how much better the world feels with Carter by her side. She decides then, when faced with his questioning look, to tell him about Ra, what she thinks is happening, why she’s terrified. Just like always, he makes everything better. she doesn’t hide her fear this time, and he takes her messy feelings and untangles them, without flinching, his hands are big and kind. If there’s anyone who understand this feeling, too much responsibility, someone else in your head it’s him. She places her head on his shoulder, listening to the beat of his heart and decides to _trust_, trust him, trust Ra, and try as hard as she possibly can. He dips his head forwards, murmurs, _you’re going to save the world_, into the shell of her ear and her mind quiets. The questions she’s been agonizing over for so long disappear. Zia turns her head up and presses a response into his lips, _no, we’re going to save the world, all of us._

_ _

_ _They do, it turns out. Too much happens to really comprehend, they’ll spend the rest of their lives unpacking the events of the almost-Apocalypse. Carter remembers things in flashes, his sister with tear tracks on her face, bravely reciting an incantation on the edge of Chaos. Sadie is awesome, he knows this in his bones. He’s lucky, none of this would be possible without them working together and when they finally defeat the devil snake he knows that, yes, this is their destiny. Horus is a welcome guest to have back in his head, almost like an older brother or friend, and when he goes back up to rule the gods, Carter is surprisingly proud of the ancient falcon. _ _

_ _

_ _ They still see the gods, as Sadie will say, the attempt to leave was something of a ploy for attention. They just have a little more trouble appearing in the mortal world, but he and Sadie take thousands of trips into the Duat, visiting their parents, Bes, and of course, their favorite cat goddess who gets to take all the naps she wants. It’s hardest on Zia, surprisingly. All the other initiates return to Brooklyn house and just sort of . . . go one with their lives as they dig deeps into the Path of the Gods and continues to strengthen and grow. But Zia, she was the reason they won the war. She was Ra’s _host_. Looking back, Carter thinks he should’ve seen it coming the whole time. Of course that was the part she had to play, there’s never been someone more fitted to be the sun god’s body. When it happened, when they joined spirits and Ra’s former body disappeared, Carter had been freaked out – it felt like a goodbye before he was ready, but there was no other way. He still dreams of her, wreathed in the power of the most ancient god, alight with beauty and majesty, going toe to toe with impossible villain. But she survived, because she is impossibly good. _ _

_ _

_ _ Still, he’s glad to get her back, the world might need Ra, but he needs Zia. (he’s so proud of her, letting a god in is hard, doing what she did is nearly impossible, but she’s the greatest magician he’s ever known and he reveres her) For days after, she’s a little dazed, but the glimmer returns to her eye as Sadie pulls crazy stunts to entertain her and when Zia looks at him with a pained expression – pained because they are all adjusting, _again_, and he knows she’s frustrated, frustrated because she just wants to exist and be happy without putting in all this emotional work, _again_, but he smiles. _We have time_, he says, _don’t rush, we have so much time_. __

_ _

_ _ That turns out to be good, because healing takes SO MUCH time. Broken bones are set and knit back together, Nomes are repaired with loving hands, and the magicians who survived the apocalypse cling to each other as they try to make themselves whole again. Julian wakes up in a cold sweat every night for a year, Shelby can’t sleep with the lights off, Jaz bakes like a fiend, and Sadie’s eyes are haunted. Zia wants to help them, wants to put each together, and that’s a surprisingly nice thing to feel – she’s never cared about so many people before. Unfortunately, you can’t fix another person, so they all settle for supporting each other, laughing and crying and growing up together. It’s hard and slow but it happens. Progress is made and Zia, a master of survival by now, has a feeling everything is really going to be ok. She likes teaching new magicians, likes rebuilding the House of Life, and _she likes being near the Kanes_. Sadie becomes something of a sister and Zia couldn’t ask for a better friend. _ _

_ _

_ _ For a long time they desperately seek out every potentially moment of joy and so when Carter wakes up early one morning, and gets Sadie to cover the class she was supposed to teach with a mischievous gleam in his eye, she takes his offered hand, following him without question. He takes her to the promised destination, _the mall_, and pulls her around, showing off the trappings of a normal life she doesn’t think he’s ever really had either and decides that even now, with all they’ve lost, living is _so good_. She kisses him in the food court, and then again on the way home. (she doesn’t ever stop.) He still radiates kindness, he’s so careful with her, with everything, and yesterday she saw Freak try to hit him with a frozen turkey, so yeah, she’s pretty much in love. She feels safe. It takes a long time for her to identify the feeling, but that’s what it is, _safety_. Stability. He’s safe and trustworthy and Zia doesn’t ever want to let him go. _ _

_ _

_ _She’s so beautiful, in every sense of the word. He doesn’t know how to sum her, not even now. She’s a cascade of dry humor and conviction and skill and smooth, silky hair and a laugh that fills every corner of the room with light. And, now that Apophis has been vanquished, it’s just their lives. There’s adjustments, there always are, when she comes to live at Brooklyn House. She still spends a lot of time in Egypt too, that’s where part of her heart will always be, but she goes to school with Sadie and Walt and teaches the initiates fantastic spells he and Sadie haven’t gotten anywhere near yet. Mostly he gets to spend time with her, for real, all the time he wants, and they spend the next three years learning about each other (there’s still so much more to uncover) and doing cool magical things, but mostly just enjoying the company. (He shows her his favorite books, she takes him on random, perfect adventures - down the street or to Argentina, and _living_with someone is a whole lot better than dying for them.) _ _

_ _

_ _There are fits and starts, healing is hard and she’s impatient, but there is _so much good_. She falls asleep on the couch sometimes and he’ll lie next to her, listening to people chatter in the kitchen and feeling the slow steady pulse of her heart. A few weeks after she starts living in Brooklyn house, they’re dating. For real. It’s everything Carter hoped and so much better than he imagined. When they’re seventeen, summer of senior year, they break up, because they’re still learning how to be people and uncurling your limbs into the world is hard, but one night, about two weeks after the initial breakup, she knocks on his door in the middle of the night, crying, about Apophis and her family and his heart breaks because they are still all _right in the middle of getting better_. He pulls her into his room and she spends the night there, curled against his chest, as they cling to each other. _ _

_ _

_ _ But, wounds turn into scars, they always do, and freshman year of college – somehow they end up at the same college without trying – they’re not dating but not not-dating. She’s sitting in his dorm, fighting through a research paper, when he sits down next to her with a cup of tea and a bad joke and everything that they’ve been pushing against just _melts_. (it feels good, she not supposed to be so cold.) Later she’ll whisper, her lips against his throat, that they’re better together and he pulls her flush against him, a clear act of agreement and after that they don’t every worry about it again. _ _

_ _

_ _They stand together, at the door outside the Nome, their Nome. The Brooklyn sun is bright and glints off of Carter’s skin and Zia’s hair. He leans down and kisses her, (they make out for at least ten minutes against the warm limestone of the magical building). Sadie pops her head out and beams, pulling them both inside. They have plans. They’re going to make the world better. Together. Carter’s breath whisks down Zia’s bare back, her hair tickling his cheek. This is what trust feels like. She flips around, facing him, and buries herself against his cheek. These are the moments, she thinks. Almost dying? A lot? Facing evil again and again? Figuring out who she is and what they are? Totally worth it. _ _

**Author's Note:**

> DOES THIS MAKE SENSE????? Hypothetically, this is a fun lil romp through the three books - with *feelings* BUT I'M NOT A VERY GOOD WRITER so someone else needs to give these two a little more love!


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